A pause for reflection...
I'm very grateful to have had a week off. It's a privilege not everyone has, and it has provided necessary time and space for reflection.
Holidays demand a lot of public encounters with strangers. Since I discovered that gruff indifference elicits 'mate', I've dropped my smiles and mischief. That gets interpreted as flirtation, and coded femme. When people can't read gender they presume, detach or defend. People can be exhausting.
I've always wanted to be invisible, so I hide quite often. I've realised that I lean on a variety of addictions to avoid connection. I use work, anxiety, AOD, and caring for others, as ways to avoid dealing with trauma. This is something I am determined to change.
I imagine myself in the future as a wise, elderly engaged and engaging human - generous in spirit and laughter. But confident and calm; centred, living a slower, more abundant existence.
Friends, family, and solitude. A trial-and-error garden, tiny house, bees, chooks, and dog. Maybe a view? Not too many people, but precious ones that I love, who I visit and want to visit me. They respect my boundaries and my in-betweens; they appreciate my creativity. I am a blessing in their lives.
When I venture into the world, I'll be brave enough to risk connection with other humans, including bigots, racists and transphobes and angry small-minded people in general. I understand they fear difference and have their own traumas that I can't see, despite apparent privilege and power.
I am ready for a peaceful life and death, but I know I can't control either. The ups and downs will continue until they don't... but the brief pauses are the best.